April 23, 2006

I just discovered Bill Maher's "New Rules"

from hbo.com/billmaher/new_rules

And finally, New Rule: People who run everything can't complain that they're underdogs. To whit, this week, there was a highly-attended conference in Washington called "The War on Christians." Because nothing quite says "I'm oppressed," like the opulent Regency Ballroom of the Omni Shoreham Hotel.

Ah, yes, whatever happened to that plucky little cult, Christianity? Oh, that's right, they're 80% of the American people, and have taken over all three branches of government, country music, public schools, the bestseller list, and until recently, Katie Holmes. You know, Christians, I don't mind that you're part of a dress-up cult that hates sex and worships magic but the paranoia, that does scare me.

Did you know that the Missouri legislature recently felt the need to propose a resolution declaring Christianity Missouri's majority religion. No kidding. Really, you mean people aren't saying, "Gosh, I'd like to go to Missouri, but...too Jewish." In Savannah, recently, a children's book about a baby penguin who is raised by two male penguins - ahh! - was removed from the library for its homosexual overtones. Because you know penguins, in those tuxedos, with the dreamy eyes. Huge fags!

The Christian right are now officially the party of paranoia. Secularists are attacking Christmas! Gays are attacking marriage! Liberals are attacking values! White girls are being abducted at an alarming rate! You know, if you're going to be that paranoid all the time, just get high.

And the worst part is, the people bitching loudest about being persecuted for their Christianity aren't Christians at all. They're demagogues and conmen and scolds. And the only thing they worship is power. If you believe Jesus ever had a good word for war or torture or tax cuts for the rich, or raping the earth, or refusing water to dying migrants, then you might as well believe bunnies lay painted eggs.

And Jesus - and Jesus never said a word about gay marriage. He was much too busy hanging out with 12 guys. Now - now I know George Bush says Jesus Christ changed his heart. But believe me, Dick Cheney changed it back. The only thing Bush has in common with Jesus is they both went into their father's business and got crucified for it.

Thomas Jefferson called the type of Christian who trumpets his own belief in the divinity of Jesus rather than the morality of Jesus "pseudo-Christians." And that's who's running our country today. And since they thrive so much on turning water into "whining"—and get off on their endless pretend persecution, this Easter season, let's give them what they want. Let's go to the zoo, get some lions, and feed them Tom DeLay.

######################################

Hilarious stuff. Something that I thought of myself a long time ago, but not in such a funny tone.

Now for a personal experience: about a month ago I was at my church's Sunday youth meeting. Recently re-vamped, our group studies on Wednesdays and either plays or works on Sundays. A bunch of the very few of us wanted to play Halo on the X-Box that they brought. Our youth director asked if the game was "Christian based". "Is Halo Christian based?", is probably one of the funniest questions of 2006, or even 2004 when it was new.

Our director said, "The elders of the church wouldn't approve of us playing a game like that." I couldn't understand why. Because I'm quite positive that the elders of our church are full-blown supporters of the war in Iraq, where our troops (that our God blessed) are shooting people, just like in Halo. Its okay to support real people being shot but not to play a video game where characters get shot. Probably because "our troops is fightin' fer FREEDOM! Them there videos games make young people violent 'n evil!". So the president is second under Jesus for securing our "freedom" by sending young people to go shoot people, but Halo is bad because it makes young people want to go out and.......................shoot people? Something doesn't make sense here. If Jesus is okay with the war, why isn't he okay with violent video games?

This war has much more influence in teaching young people that violence is the answer to your problems than video games where you use weapons that don't even exist. Because what if one of those young person's family members was sent over to fight in Iraq where they'd face the daily danger of being blown into smitherenes, and they automatically had to agree 100% for their loved one to be going there, or else they're being "ungrateful" or "unpatriotic" or "liberal"? Isn't that more emotionally moving to a human than a game?

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